Planting Doubts

"I'm sorry but just being there isn't enough."
"Maybe not for you."
Pause
"I don't think you understand..."

Maybe you don't. In case you haven't noticed, we are two completely different people. What makes you feel happy and loved might not be the same for me. You need to understand that, rather than try and force on me what you think is right.

You know what? I was happy. For the past couple weeks, I have felt loved, valued and content. But now, thanks to you planting the idea in my head that is isn't enough, I'm questioning and doubting how things are.

It's a vicious circle. I say to myself that I shouldn't change my opinion or feelings because of something you've said. Then there's another part of me that takes you seriously and asks, "Are you sure you're happy?" and I can't answer with certainty anymore because I'm unsettled by the possibility of there being doubt in the first place. I'm upset with myself for losing that happiness and on the flip side I'm upset because a small part of me considers that it was faux in the first place which angers me even more.

As soon as I've ordered my own thoughts and motives, I'll confront what it is you believe to be wrong. I need to make sure that its me, not anyone else, making the decision. Hopefully rest will help.

Night
Molly

Directing

It was the strangest thing of my life. My stomach wasn’t filled with butterflies; it was a lead ball. My hands weren’t sweaty or clammy; they were buzzing with pointless activity. My feet weren’t frozen in fear; they were causing me to pace incessantly.

            What the heck was this? Believe me when I say I wasn’t the type of person to get nervous. Public speaking which caused many a person to freeze in fear had nothing on me. Stage fright? I’d been performing for seven years and never known what it feels like. But stepping back and watching my own vision become reality in front of hundreds of my peers? Now that was frightening.

            Unlike acting, directing was completely new to me. “Uncharted territory from whose bourn no traveler returns.” Well maybe that’s getting a bit dramatic, but as much as Hamlet pondered suicide, I questioned what I was afraid of.

            Essentially it wasn’t that I was feeling vulnerable. Acting had already taught me that it was impossible to give a grade-A performance without showing a part of your true self. It wasn’t that I was afraid of criticism. In fact I welcomed people’s opinions so I could learn and do an even better job next time. SO what in the world was the reason behind the fear that caused insatiable and unwelcome adrenaline to course through my heart?

            As I was making my rounds around the theatre one last time, checking set pieces and assuring actors, it hit me. Once places was called and the lights went down, a ball would start rolling that I was powerless to stop. The show would begin and there would be no more for me to do. No reading out a forgotten line, no running onstage to replace a prop and no stopping the scene to give further direction. They were on their own and so was I.

            I imagine it was like watching a child leave to begin their next chapter in life. I’d prepared them as best I could and now it was up to them. Any problem they faced or occlusion they came across, they would have to overcome by themselves without any interference from me. My heart ached from them to succeed to the point of tears, and I would have given anything for them to know it. I had given them my all and now, as the curtain rose, I could give no more.

            That night, they blew me away. It was a stunning performance by all and I couldn’t have been more proud. They deserved every moment of applause the received and then some. We’d all come a long way and despite any hardship we came across, it was worth it. We prepared, rehearsed and gave it our all until there was nothing left to do but sit back and enjoy the show.

            Directing was hard. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And the anxiety beforehand was intense and almost crippling. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat.

"Are you ever scared?"

"Of what?"
"That you're like him... That because of the curse of... fucking genetics, you might... end up..."
"Like him."
"Yeah."
Pause
"Yeah. Sometimes."
"What do you do?"
"I realize, that no matter what, no case of 'fucking genetics', is going to tell me who I'm going to be."

Not so easy...

Herro there.
Well things with the sleep schedule are really tough at the moment. With anytime I go to sleep, getting up again is that much harder. Part of the reason being the fact that I'm very warm whenever I'm in bed, and outside of the blankets everything's cold. This is pretty much a challenge for most people, but since I prefer hot to cold its that much more of a hardship to get back into motion.
Hopefully, the fact that I have a lot papers due this week will be motivation enough for me to wake up and write them.

Wakey wakey eggs and... FAIL

My last post was talking about how well things were going. And they were going awesomely. Then I decided to screw things up.
Friday night, I decided to get a full nights sleeps because due to a busy schedule on Saturday I'd be skipping both my naps. No big deal right? Apparently, my body didn't agree. Last night I went to bed at 1 full expecting to get right back to the schedule and wake up at 0530. Except I didn't wake up until I got a text from Aaron at 0700. I don't remember, at all, hearing my alarm go off, or recall me shutting it off.
Before you say, "People sleep through alarms all the time", my alarm isn't a normal one. It has something called a shaker, that, you guessed it, shakes. Very loudly. And has never failed to shock me (almost literally) into awakeness. Sleeping through that, is very surprising to me.

Besides minor oversleepings with the naps, this is the first legit oversleeping I've done. Now to try and get back on schedule.

Wish me luck,
Molly

Week Summary

Can't say I didn't warn that I'm horrible at consistency when it comes to blogging :)

I can honestly say that this week has gone much better then expected. I'm legitimately getting sleep during naps, and besides the occasional very sleepy moment in 3rd period I'm feeling rested. :D Its pretty awesome to have enough sleep and have extra time in the day which means more time to procrastinate! (Sadly, this is very true and in no way an exaggeration.)

Getting up in the morning is probably the hardest moment of the day. I never get the feeling of complete awake-ness till after my shower so those couple moments before aren't easy. Today, actually, I was getting to the point of hitting the snooze button a second time and I got a call from Aaron to make sure I was up. The mini-conversation in the morning was actually the start to an awesome day. :)

Originally, I had the goal of keeping this schedule for at least a week, but with how well it's going, I might not need to stop anytime soon. Pretty schveet.

Till Next Time,
Molly

Days 2-4

Well hello there. Obviously, I'm a little behind to say the least. So let's play catch-up:
Saturday - Didn't take any naps but slept normally that night thanks to being super tired from the Halloween party. (Partying-partying-Yeah!) Basically just skipped this day.
Sunday - Got back on schedule with the naps. Both went well though I did oversleep the first one thanks to an alarm issue.
Monday (Today) - Thanks to going to finally going to bed at 0100 and waking up at 0530, I was a bit tired later in the day. Though I did feel completely rested and awake until about 1100ish. Napped from 1600-1630, which felt great I might add. 2200 nap went well too :)

All in all, things are going swimmingly. Feeling pretty rested and having extra time is awesome. Especially since I made pancakes this morning :D Highlight of my day... Gotta say, so far I'm enjoying the whole experience. I might just be a fan of naptime...

Well till tomorrow,
Molly

Polyphasic Sleep

Or Biphasic to be specific. For those who don't know what the heck I'm talking about here's a summary:

Monophasic sleep is what the majority of the world does. One period of sleep in a 24 hour day. Usually ranging from 7 to 9 hours.
Polyphasic sleep is splitting that time, spacing it throughout the day in an effort to get more REM sleep and add hours of awake time to your day.
Biphasic is essentially a form of Polyphasic that is supposed to be a healthier and easier alternative to say the Uberman schedule.
My boyfriend, Aaron, and I will be attempting Heidiphasic, which is 4.5 hours plus two 20 minute naps.
Sleep Schedule:
1500-1520
2200-2230
0100-0530

Starting today, November 2, I just napped from 1500-1520. Went pretty well actually :D Had a half day today and doing nothing around the house, watching netflix and painting my nails can get pretty tiring ya know. I put a playlist of softer Regina Spektor music on and set it so it would turn off after playing for half an hour. (Sadly I can't set it to exactly twenty minutes.) After previous experiments with WILD (a form of lucid dreaming), I was familiar with methods on how to fall asleep quickly, and although I never fell completely asleep, I did have slight waking dreams, woke up naturally, and felt pretty rested afterward.
For me, the music definitely helped because I could keep track somewhat of how long I'd been laying there and could later roughly recall how much sleep I had actually gotten based on what songs, or parts of songs I remembered hearing. Plus music helps me fall asleep naturally anyway. We'll see how tonight's nap goes. Aaron will be joining me on this one.

Till then,
Molly

Edit:
2200 nap went well. :) Followed the same routine. Didn't wake up feeling quite as rested as I had for the first nap but that's understandable. I was also a bit more tired going into it compared to before. I think that's it. See ya in the morning!

Obligatory First Post

Every blog needs 'em right? This is where I introduce myself and explain what I'll be writing about and try to give you an image of what I'm like etc etc etc. So I'll begin.

1. This is my umpteenth attempt at maintaining a blog. So let's see how well this one goes, shall we? :)
2. Acting is my passion. If you're going to know anything about me know that.
3. Despite various blonde/slow/dumb moments, I'm actually pretty intelligent.

Think that's enough for now. Yay first post!

Till next time,
Molly