Why I Act

Let me just say that I don’t think some people truly understand the depth of what actors go through. The “athletes of emotion” and “the bearer of burdens”. Honestly, I don’t think people really understand what that means. Yes, we portray other characters and people and we feel what they feel, but what about how we got to that point?

Speaking as an actor, I literally tear out my insides, poke around and find what makes me a person. Because until I truly know myself, I may never be able to genuinely play another living human being. And let me tell you: Ripping yourself apart like that hurts. Badly. And I not only do it for the sake of art. But for the sake of myself. My family. My fellow actors. And especially the audience.

I do it to know myself. So that I might learn to love all that I’ve overcome and all that makes me, me. I do it to feel every emotion possible even the bad ones, to truly know what makes me a living breathing human being. I do it so I can feel. I do it so I can empathize. I do it so I can understand something bigger and outside of myself. Because I’m selfish. And I desperately want to know what it’s like to see beyond my sight and mind and opinion.

I do it for my family. So that they may see who I have become because of and in spite of what they put me through. I do it because I love them. Because I want to show them the passion that I have for people. So that they may feel that passion too. A passion that grows beyond my mere self.

I do it for my fellow actors. Because I know that we all need a little support sometimes. I would be nowhere had it not been for the people who knew exactly what it’s like to stand where I am standing. I would be nowhere if not for the encouraging smiles, the nods of acknowledgement and acceptance and the snaps communicating I agree with you, or I have been where you have been and I know what you know.

I do it for the audience. I suffer for them, so they don’t have to. I distract them so they can remember what joy feels like. Or love. Or freedom. Or contentness. I push them, not to believing my point of view, but to expand their own and challenge themselves as I wish to be challenged. I threaten their feeling of security while comforting them in isolation. And just as my fellow actors did for me, I will show them that I have been there, and that I care and understand and that what they are feeling is not worthless. That they are not worthless. They are valid. Special. And here for a purpose and a reason.

Just like I am.

Untitled

I miss you.
Now take a moment and step back because I don't think you understand the gravity of how strong those words are.
I physically. Violently. Miss you.
Its starting to become a physical ache in my chest. Or like my right arm has been lobbed off.
I miss holding you, and being held by you.
(Let me be clear that its you I'm missing and not the act of being held itself, no matter how nice that may feel. Your arms, and your touch are the things that strike a chord in my heart.)
I miss being wrapped up with you and watching anime (even if its not really my thing.) or movies that I've forced you to sit through.
I miss you laughing at my attempts to play video games.
I miss eating at the table with you and your family and really feeling like I belong.
I miss seeing that glint in your eye when you know something I don't, and refuse to tell me, making me try and figure it out for myself.
I miss you never making it easy for me.
I miss you asking me questions and making me step back and examine what I just said.
I miss that amused exasperation that you always felt with me when I laughed too hard at a bad pun or silly joke.
I miss looking forward to seeing you on the weekends.
I miss knocking at your door and you opening it the very second after with a giant grin on your face.
I miss throwing the door open when I hear you coming up the driveway.
I miss the way you tease me.
I never intended to fall so hard. Yes, I knew I loved you very deeply but I never realized until now, how attached I have become. You have become a major part and a major influence in my life and its feels so foreign not being near you.
I'm in college now and I've messed around. But every single person I meet reminds me of how unique you are. No one thinks like you do. No one perceives things like you do. And no one knows me in exactly the way that you do.
And I miss you.
I miss everything about you.
To the point that words cannot describe it.
And it hasn't even been two months.

The Difference.

"So today, I met this guy. A lot like you really."
"Really? How so?"
"He has a mind. Was an intellectual. Like us."
"Ah. Go on."
"Anywho, the only difference was, there's a romanticism about him. He loves the colors of a sunset, but thought he appreciated them more when he understood why those colors were there. Come to think of it, that was another way he's like you."
"Hmm?"
"Takes joy in understanding? Much like you do... As I was saying, not only that but he enjoys profound novels, deep and thought-provoking lyrics, the cliche of a watching the stars, laying on a hill and just talking, that sort of thing. After a while I found myself attracted to him. And my imagination ran away with me and I started thinking about what a relationship would be like..."
Pause
"...But I knew I'd be unhappy. For one reason in particular."
"... And what is that?"
"He isn't you."

Typical Girl Playlist

To start off, I'm going to take this moment to warn you that for the duration of this post, I will fully embrace the fact that I'm a teenager of the female variety who is mostly ruled by hormones. Which is my snotty way of saying I'm a chick and I'm about to act like one so brace yourself. :)

Believe me when I say all girls out there, or most of them, have a playlist or some artist they listen to when they are feeling particularly mushy or lovey. Its just like having a Sad playlist, or a Sleepytime playlist except this one, is filled with your typical love songs and usually either end up in feelings of longing and/or bliss. We're girls, we like the romance. (Even those who don't have a soft side ;) )

Today, I'm going to personally walk you through some highlights of whats on my version of this playlist. Unsurprisingly titled Lovesick. ;D (Note: Not in any particular order.)

1. I Miss You - Blink 182
So I'm not going to get into the details of what this song is about because if you look at the title, it's pretty obvious. Suffice it to say, I listen to this song whenever I miss Aaron or haven't seen him in a while. The lyrics may not be the best representation of what I'm feeling, but the tone and melody of the song hits it right on the head. Hence, the 5 gazillion repeats of it back in the summer when we were on opposite sides of the country.

2. Nicest Thing - Kate Nash
I don't actually know how popular Kate Nash is in my area so if you haven't heard this song, get on youtube and check her out, specifically this song. Two details, 1. By the looks of it, our lovely Ms. Nash is in the friend zone and 2. Little things in love are huge. Some key lyrics, "I wish you had a favorite beauty spot", "I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.", "I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake." There's something extremely personal in the things that she describes and I find myself longing for what she is longing for. Mainly wishing for that level of intimacy that she's describing. Give it a listen, see if you feel the same way.

3.Vanilla Twilight - Owl City
Couldn't have a love playlist without this song. My original attraction to this one was the cheesy lyrics about missing someone and the line "The spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly." Cue the "aww"s. But the real reason for Vanilla Twilight being here is slightly more personal. Being three time zones away for 6 weeks can lead to some serious withdrawal for people. But reminding the other that they're missed is a comfort of sorts. In relation to Vanilla Twilight, saying, "I finally understand it." is one of the best things that has even been said to me. You know who you are ;)

4. Warm Whispers - Missy Higgins
I'm a cuddler. I freaking love it. And nothing presents a better image of being close to someone than this song. Once again, this song might not be as well known as others, so go check it out. :) Cuddles... Yeah..

5. Honey and the Bee - Owl City
Oh look! Owl City is back :D One of his newer songs that is filled with cheesy goodness! I just love the shy awkwardness of it. Tis adorable and couldn't not be on this playlist. "But if I reached for your hand, would your eyes get wide?" Nuff said.

6. Medley: Beautiful Girls/Stand By Me - Boyce Avenue Acoustic Sessions
Every girl wants to be thought of as beautiful. And to be sung about. And hey! This satisfies both. And the awesomeness of finishing on Stand By Me means this song is a winwinwin.

7. Don't You - Darren Criss
If you haven't heard this sweet, sweet melody go and fix that now. Try this lyric for example, "There's a thought so how 'bout this, let's pretend that both our lips are made of candy, afterall we need sweet every now and then." Gahhhhhh. Love it. The acoustic guitar matched with Darren's voice makes it impossible to resist.

There's 8 more songs on Lovesick, but they're classics only worth mentioning, not necessarily elaborating on. The Only Exception by Paramore, I Will Follow You Into the Dark by Deathcab for Cutie, Hey There Delilah by Plain White T's among others.

So I hope this was entertaining or at least informative. To all girls out there, I hope I added to your lists, and to guys, a piece of advice. Find out whats on your SO's playlist. Songs they listen to will tell you more than any romcom.

Thank you and Good Night!

Planting Doubts

"I'm sorry but just being there isn't enough."
"Maybe not for you."
Pause
"I don't think you understand..."

Maybe you don't. In case you haven't noticed, we are two completely different people. What makes you feel happy and loved might not be the same for me. You need to understand that, rather than try and force on me what you think is right.

You know what? I was happy. For the past couple weeks, I have felt loved, valued and content. But now, thanks to you planting the idea in my head that is isn't enough, I'm questioning and doubting how things are.

It's a vicious circle. I say to myself that I shouldn't change my opinion or feelings because of something you've said. Then there's another part of me that takes you seriously and asks, "Are you sure you're happy?" and I can't answer with certainty anymore because I'm unsettled by the possibility of there being doubt in the first place. I'm upset with myself for losing that happiness and on the flip side I'm upset because a small part of me considers that it was faux in the first place which angers me even more.

As soon as I've ordered my own thoughts and motives, I'll confront what it is you believe to be wrong. I need to make sure that its me, not anyone else, making the decision. Hopefully rest will help.

Night
Molly

Directing

It was the strangest thing of my life. My stomach wasn’t filled with butterflies; it was a lead ball. My hands weren’t sweaty or clammy; they were buzzing with pointless activity. My feet weren’t frozen in fear; they were causing me to pace incessantly.

            What the heck was this? Believe me when I say I wasn’t the type of person to get nervous. Public speaking which caused many a person to freeze in fear had nothing on me. Stage fright? I’d been performing for seven years and never known what it feels like. But stepping back and watching my own vision become reality in front of hundreds of my peers? Now that was frightening.

            Unlike acting, directing was completely new to me. “Uncharted territory from whose bourn no traveler returns.” Well maybe that’s getting a bit dramatic, but as much as Hamlet pondered suicide, I questioned what I was afraid of.

            Essentially it wasn’t that I was feeling vulnerable. Acting had already taught me that it was impossible to give a grade-A performance without showing a part of your true self. It wasn’t that I was afraid of criticism. In fact I welcomed people’s opinions so I could learn and do an even better job next time. SO what in the world was the reason behind the fear that caused insatiable and unwelcome adrenaline to course through my heart?

            As I was making my rounds around the theatre one last time, checking set pieces and assuring actors, it hit me. Once places was called and the lights went down, a ball would start rolling that I was powerless to stop. The show would begin and there would be no more for me to do. No reading out a forgotten line, no running onstage to replace a prop and no stopping the scene to give further direction. They were on their own and so was I.

            I imagine it was like watching a child leave to begin their next chapter in life. I’d prepared them as best I could and now it was up to them. Any problem they faced or occlusion they came across, they would have to overcome by themselves without any interference from me. My heart ached from them to succeed to the point of tears, and I would have given anything for them to know it. I had given them my all and now, as the curtain rose, I could give no more.

            That night, they blew me away. It was a stunning performance by all and I couldn’t have been more proud. They deserved every moment of applause the received and then some. We’d all come a long way and despite any hardship we came across, it was worth it. We prepared, rehearsed and gave it our all until there was nothing left to do but sit back and enjoy the show.

            Directing was hard. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And the anxiety beforehand was intense and almost crippling. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat.

"Are you ever scared?"

"Of what?"
"That you're like him... That because of the curse of... fucking genetics, you might... end up..."
"Like him."
"Yeah."
Pause
"Yeah. Sometimes."
"What do you do?"
"I realize, that no matter what, no case of 'fucking genetics', is going to tell me who I'm going to be."